I think that God is teaching me a very valuable and difficult lesson through my 2 year old. Our pastor has been speaking for the last 6 weeks about how to Live Free and what exactly that means. It has been amazing and I have learned so much but haven't applied it because well, it's really hard. I think the things that I am struggling with the most are breaking genetic habits or cycles I guess you could call them. For me, that means yelling, CRAZY moodswings, (not just normal woman mood swings) and stubbornness. And it is really hard and it's easier to just not do it. However, I am also learning that that is like leaving all the doors and windows wide open and saying hey come rob me! I am making it easy for that "sin" I guess you could call it, to just live and breed in me; and I HATE the wife, mother, and woman that it makes me. Especially mother to my two year old. I yell, I don't play with him because I'm mad that he isn't listening, and throwing a tantrum and...go figure...yelling. And as I'm writing this, it is breaking my heart because he deserves so much better than that and I feel like I can't do it. I feel like I have really good days, but then days like today come when I think, ok let's go to the library and Focus on the Family and just have a really fun day. So we go to the library and he is kicking and screaming and I'm frustrated so I just drag him out by his arms as he's yelling owie!! and I don't care. And then I get home and all I do is cry because it seems like, what's the point?? Yes I know being a mother is hard, and I knew it was going to be hard. I just feel like I won't ever become that mom I dreamt I would be. I'm not trying to have a pity party or fish for compliments that tell me I can do it, I just felt like venting. I hope tomorrow goes much better than today. God's lessons for my life are hard ones and I hope I can get through them with a little grace.
3 comments:
Shannon, I'm sorry you had a bad day. And you're right- God's lessons are hard, but He is always working on molding us into the women he desires us to be.
Shh, don't tell anyone, but I remember one day in a carpet store, slapping Tyler across the face because he was fussing and crying and not letting me concentrate on my shopping. I got so scared that someone was going to call CPS that I got out of there as fast as I could. The funny thing was, I had no business being in the carpet store-- we couldn't anymore afford new carpet than a new car! I was just in the mood to shop and dream.
He was probably about 2 or 3 at the time.
I know that you aren't looking for pats on the back, so I won't.. just wanted to let you know that I understand and will be praying for you to have a better day today.
Thanks! Although I'm not looking for pats on the back, I appreciate stories of I've been there too, so I know I'm not alone. Thank you for your prayers and support! :)
There is a hole on the inside of one of our closet doors (that door used to be the one that leads to the kitchen). Nick was making me so mad (he must have been 2-3) and he slammed the door in my face and I kicked it. My shoe went through the door.
What I have learned, is that you become the parent you want to be. It's like school; the more you study your kids and how to parent, the more you perfect it. We ALL start out as amateurs and feel ill equipped.
It's good for your kids to see you fail and then pick yourself up, dust off, apologize and move forward. I don't know how many times I've said to the boys, "I'm sorry I yelled. I'm still angry and you are still in trouble, but I had no right to yell at you. Do you forgive me?"
Having the courage to vent publicly is a huge strength. I'm glad you posted your pain and frustration here.
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