I think that God is teaching me a very valuable and difficult lesson through my 2 year old. Our pastor has been speaking for the last 6 weeks about how to Live Free and what exactly that means. It has been amazing and I have learned so much but haven't applied it because well, it's really hard. I think the things that I am struggling with the most are breaking genetic habits or cycles I guess you could call them. For me, that means yelling, CRAZY moodswings, (not just normal woman mood swings) and stubbornness. And it is really hard and it's easier to just not do it. However, I am also learning that that is like leaving all the doors and windows wide open and saying hey come rob me! I am making it easy for that "sin" I guess you could call it, to just live and breed in me; and I HATE the wife, mother, and woman that it makes me. Especially mother to my two year old. I yell, I don't play with him because I'm mad that he isn't listening, and throwing a tantrum and...go figure...yelling. And as I'm writing this, it is breaking my heart because he deserves so much better than that and I feel like I can't do it. I feel like I have really good days, but then days like today come when I think, ok let's go to the library and Focus on the Family and just have a really fun day. So we go to the library and he is kicking and screaming and I'm frustrated so I just drag him out by his arms as he's yelling owie!! and I don't care. And then I get home and all I do is cry because it seems like, what's the point?? Yes I know being a mother is hard, and I knew it was going to be hard. I just feel like I won't ever become that mom I dreamt I would be. I'm not trying to have a pity party or fish for compliments that tell me I can do it, I just felt like venting. I hope tomorrow goes much better than today. God's lessons for my life are hard ones and I hope I can get through them with a little grace.